Scott Roeben Quotations

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes.

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the end of time. Can you imagine trying to sit through his home movies?

There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife.

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept giving me the runaround.

I only date stewardesses. Or maybe it just seems that way. Women always seem to be showing me the exits.

I had a rough childhood. When I was born, the doctor advised me of my rights.

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.