Anthony Jeselnik Way Quotations

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.