Greg Gutfeld Quotations

The joy of hate reflects people who get off pretending to hate something, or hate you, in order to score political points. I call them the 'tolerati' - you know, a group of people who claim to be tolerant, except when they run into someone who disagrees with them.

I have to say that Adam Levine is truly a daring young man to go on Twitter to bash Fox News. He's so rebellious, so subversive. I mean, for a musician, seriously, could you find a more predictable stance than that? He's as edgy as a hacky sack, which also describes his music.

The people who whine about Fox News are hypocrites - they say they're totally tolerant, but when they run into someone who doesn't share their assumptions, they say, 'Fox News is evil, and it must be stopped.

I know that if I say something that's considered outrageous, a group will take it, create an email blast, and use me to raise money or to do whatever, to build their profile.

I think the reason why 'Red Eye' is popular is because we question the common assumptions that you find elsewhere.

A Smith & Wesson does more for empowering women than Feminism ever could

How funny is it that so many professors labeled Tea Partiers as terrorists, while kissing the asses of real, bona fide terrorists? It's not funny, really. But it's the result of a simple equation: One is cool, and the other isn't. Own a gun and keep it by your bed in your remote farmhouse? You're a redneck. Purchase guns that end up killing a judge? Priceless. As long as you cling to cool, progressive beliefs that deem America evil, whatever you do is cool. And if you do it under a big fuzzy 'fro? Even cooler. Hell, if you 'fro is big enough, you could nuke an orphanage and still get tenure.

A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

Republicans are systematically and deliberately trying to stop millions of American citizens from voting. What part of democracy are they afraid of? I call on Republicans at all levels of government, with all manner of ambition, to stop fear mongering about a phantom epidemic of election fraud. I'm calling for universal, automatic voter registration, every citizen in every state in the union.

We need somebody that can unify a country in spite of a vocal powerful media that's intent on division. It's not about winning the media. It's about winning the people, and I don't think it's necessarily persuasive to eat - to cannibalize yourself. I think that you have to pick the winner.

Being a conservative on campus is like bing a goat amongst the taliban. You are never safe.

The first mistake is trying to explain morality to a terrorist. Like trying to teach a rock to drive. It is impossible.

People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

The problem with leftism as a vice is that everyone else is stuck with the hangover.

When one becomes a liberal, he or she pretends to advocate tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, they’re doing so for purely selfish reasons. It’s the human equivalent of a puppy dog’s face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status. In short, liberalism is based on one central desire: to look cool in front of others in order to get love. Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler, than saying something like, 'please lower my taxes.'

I agree and I disagree in the sense that I think that he [Donald Trump] has a fondness for autocrats, but at the same time, isn't he talking about like perception of defending your country.

The beauty of progress is that it makes it easier for you to carve out a space to be nonproductive.

[In] 2010, Woody Allen said that he felt Barack Obama should be a dictator so that he could get things done, and the first thing obviously that Woody Allen wanted done is to make it legal to have sex with stepdaughters.

They [policemen] are in a profession that if you do the job incorrectly, or proceeding incorrectly, it's over for you because there isn't any supporter backup. If you make a mistake as a plumber, you know, you fix it and everything goes on or you get sued. But if you make a mistake as a cop, you are more infamous than Jesse James, everything's over.

Commencement addresses are usually garbage. They're for colleges seeking publicity.

When you talk about Islamic terror. You go, oh, you're an Islamic - you're Islamophobic because you besmirching all Muslims. No. I'm talking about Islamic terror.

What I'm going to miss is the competition, being, that's OK, I can watch from the house.

Why is our media quick to find evil in our local police, but tnot in Islamic terror?

I'm sure if you could survey the unborn they would prefer the chance for life over the options of solar power.

The great thing about being rich is, you can embrace practices that kill the poor - that's what socialism does.

Legal gun ownership always prevails over the emotionalism of the gun control movement.

I would like to see a president with a monocle.

If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.

The media is Obama's scandal condom.

I don't like the way my hair looks, so we're going to do the whole show over.

Chris Matthews is so nuts that if he ate a snickers bar it would be cannibalism.

Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.

How can you have a reasonable debate with people who are constantly changing the panic? They are moving the panic to a greater wave of hysteria?

Republicans do actually care about health care. They just don't care about government-run health care.

Planned Parenthood's entire existence is basically based on keeping people in the dark through euphemism. You don't call it genocide, you call it reproductive health. So that's why Planned Parenthood has - nobody really thought.

Fact is, the desperate desire to be cool has skewed our culture toward nihilism, carelessness, and ineptitude. It is now cool to be an idiot. A jackass. It's cool to be a failure, as long as your failure is the basis for a reality show.

You should try to get fired once in a while. It's good for you.

You can't get more racist than hating black conservatives just because they're black.

We need to remember who the enemy is, and then we need to eat them alive.

I never quit. I just got fired.

It was then that I realized that while playing the well-meaning tolerant individual (in short: liberal) garnered you fans and grades, it didn't matter. In my heart and head, I was a fraud.

Al Sharpton chases the spotlight the way Obama chases golf balls

The longer I live, the more I'm convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool.

I have friends my age who started smoking pot when they got out of college. They didn't get anywhere. But if they drank, they managed to go somewhere. Does that make sense?

Hollywood's schizophrenia over guns is matched only by their attitude toward taxes. Ever wonder why they film in Vancouver so often? It ain't for the beaches, I can tell you.

Look, this debate is basic: it's small government vs. big government. So how cowardly do folks like Blood and Frank Rich have to be that they can't man up and defend their love for collectivism? The only reason they scream race, is because that debate scares them. They know a racial accusation prevents dialogue, because such a harmful charge far outweighs any benefits of winning an argument.

Delayed gratification is the one thing we ignore these days. And if you delay it, it becomes more pleasurable later in life.

Essentially, the Tea Party are the Hell's Angels, but with sun visors instead of switch blades. They push macaroni instead of meth. Mess with the Tea Party and they'll put your dog in an American flag sweater on a hot day.

[Obamacare] has to be enforced because nobody wants it. This is the nature of progressive government they don't care if it's not good for you. It's good for them.

What begins as a Utopian vision, always - always - ends in bloodshed. Because you have to force a utopia on a free people. Free people want to pursue their own happiness, but a one-size-fits-all approach requires herding the free, against their will, into the state's idea of what's right. Then it's not utopia.

One thing I noticed when I was young was I was impatient for success. I think everybody is impatient for success. It will come. But don't - you shouldn't let that impatience drive you crazy.

If you're hiring, if you're the person doing the hiring, forgive a scar or two. Remember that when we were young, we were also idiots. There were just no cameras there to catch it.

Move somewhere with decent public transit so you don't drive drunk and hit somebody.

Steer clear of pot. It's an ambition zapper. Wait till you've made it. When you're 45 buy a bong. But for now, buy a suit.

We're already going down that path with illegal drug use and incarceration. I can't imagine it getting any worse.

Sanctuary cities are a lot like hitchhiking. And the abstract, it feels really good until you feel dead.

So the villains aren't gay-hating Islamists or women killing tyrants, but actually us: an American Congress bent on the apocalypse. Don't we understand? Iranians love their children too.

If you throw the baby away, that's garbage. But no, the heart's precious. You could get something, you could save a life. Well, you just threw away a baby but the heart's valuable. That's the horror and the terror and the hypocrisy that nobody can understand. We base communities on the idea of protecting children based on the sacrifice of adults. Adults work and die so that their next generation would grow and prosper.

Adults use children in order to survive because now, we have this [kids] tissue that can allow us to live longer. And once you've accepted this idea that you can use this tissue to make yourself healthier, what's to stop you from making it into a nutritional supplement? What's to stop you from any kind of weird, bizarre, amoral act because you've already made the leap?

People that want to control words will never ever try to break up, like, a fight on a subway. They will never confront an aggressive person on the bus. They prefer their fights to be easy.

The problem with legalization is we already have a dependent generation that's subsidized to oblivion. And will legal pot somehow slice another sliver of the population off of the productive world?

Magic Johnson links his HIV and treatment to health care as though ObamaCare would provide the same level of care that a mega rich celebrity would get. Is he going to dump his coverage? Is he going to dump it and sign up for ObamaCare?

Monitoring activities is neither new or intrusive. We did that with communities in terms of getting rid of the mob. And cops, believe me, do not want to do this. Do you think they really want to listen to you chant five times a day. However, you should look on the bright side: you might convert them.

Private citizens and companies are always seen as evil and greedy, because they want to profit. But the government picks your pocket any chance it can get, but they're never called greedy.

The thing which Reagan did, which was great, was he won the people. He marginalized the media. And that's what you need, an intellectual agility.

If the immigrant is responsible for assimilation of the country, and some of these people are in fact are born there. But if you find it unwelcoming to your own barbaric notions of equality, that is not on the country, that is on you. If you leave a horrible place, please leave your horrible practices behind.

The Islamophobia phobes, (ph) the writers and the editors and the talking heads who deny an existence of evil while blaming those who speak up. There no difference - different than the apologists for communism. As communism killed millions, they, they denied it.

American people, what about the American people? I think the president delights in the fact that they have been roofied by technology and pop culture. They're not conscious to any expansion of power, which is why they're happy to exist in this dependant decline.

ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.

Celebrities are the doormats to power.

ObamaCare is creating nothing but misery for everybody.

Lion is a beautiful creature. It's a wonderful creature. But it's easy outrage. And I also believe that this kind of outrage is a consequence of a moral cowardice in the face of other evil, that you transfer your impotence about other - in other arenas to this, because you know that people will agree with you that this is really bad, but there are serious outrages out there that are bigger than a lion.

The inevitability of abortion. But I refuse to accept the amoral consequences that are even far worse than that, which is harvesting them because we decided that as an adult society, we can use children to make our lives better, if you seek the reverse.

You also wonder if a restaurant placed an ad that read, "Only homeless need apply," would they get fined? Probably not. But if they said, "No homeless apply," they would be transient bigots. For as bureaucrats use language to punish the lawful, they use tolerance to coddle the troubled.

There's an argument that celebrities stop growing mentally the moment they reach stardom and then they just - everything goes away. I think that's true.

When you get famous and rich when you're young, what happens is you start feeling insecure.

Let's be clear about what people never say about Playboy on television. It was nothing more than an instrument for onanism. That's what it was. And the Internet co-opted that industry of self- gratification. There is no necessity for lonely men or teenagers to use Playboy. It turns out no one bought that magazine for the articles ever; it was used for only one thing.

Playboy seems like a sad magazine for me. It seems like for men who would sit around in a bath robe.

You should just go, go to work, work hard, be a perfectionist, be a workhorse. If you work 10 years straight, you'll be comfortable and set for life. That is a fact.

I need somebody to Trump-xplain(ph) this, because I don`t understand it.I`ve heard people defend him about making fun of a disability, making fun of John McCain, making fun of women - a woman`s face.I just wanted to hear somebody defend this as well, because it just never ends. No one will ever stop defending the crass stuff he says.

I haven`t used that word since I was 7 years old. I don`t understand Donald Trump.

Because a part of the entire [Donald] Trump experience or whatever this last six months [of 2015] has been sort of feels like we`ve been living in a dream, but this is all actually happening.I mean, it`s great to be a political journalist in this time. It`s about the rhetoric. You hear his supporters on the campaign trail say we`re glad he`s not politically correct.

Unlike those who fight truly intolerant things like terrorism throughout the world, Madonna is really the lone brave voice in the wilderness standing up against evil.

Some things get better with age. And then there's Madonna.

I admire President Obama's ability to trust strangers.

We have a greedy cycle where Human Rights Commissions fine citizens in order to pay their own salaries so they can employ more Human Rights Commissions. It's a bounty system where the prizes are business owner's heads. And so as restaurants go broke, tourists get stabbed. That's human rights in New York. And perhaps America.

[If Republicans] got to put their kids into public school. They got to take public health. They would become libertarian faster than you could say Ayn Rand.

There is an apocalyptic view to this that is actually kind of appealing, which is the only way to kill big government is to let it kill itself. It's suicide by gluttony. Right now, the government is approaching Fat Elvis during those years in the '70s right before he croaked on the toilet seat. Basically ObamaCare is a huge tray of bacon and banana sandwiches. And it could happen in our lifetimes.

We used to actually kill each other before we discovered rhetoric in words. If you look at other countries, there are people attacking each other in parliament and stuff.

The problem with Republicans and Conservatives is we attack each other.

Politicians, you know Harry Reid hates you. We get it. But when somebody from "The New York Times" or "The Washington Post" is saying this stuff, that's different, that's offensive, that's wrong.

If a journalist calls you a racist, chances are, all other journalists will call you a racist.

Al Gore completely lied about climate change in an effort to make a lot of money.

The most problematic word in America is the word "problematic." It's a wuss word used by people to silence language without actually saying that they want to silence you. They don't want to go full fascist.

Ask dumb questions and listen quietly for the answers. That's a wisdom stair climber.

If you're a Republican and rich, that's evil. But if you're a Democrat and rich, that's great.

The [Confederate] Flag is - literally - sewed division. People claim it means different things to different people, but it harkens back to the pro-slavery side of the war.

Security should not be a black and white thing.

In the hands of fiends, guns will kill you. In your hands, they protect against such fiends.

There are always gonna be people that are gonna be offended about something. This will never end.