Monty Python Quotations

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

-She turned me into a newt! -A newt?-I got better...

He must be a king.Why?He hasn't got shit all over him.

Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster.

We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Rogerthe Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

Tis but a scratch''A scratch?! Your arm's off!''No, it isn't.

Well she turned me into a newt!""A newt?""I got better...

What? Ridden on a horse?''Yes''You're using coconuts!''What?''You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together!''So?

Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non- existence of God, they have decided to fight for it

Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!

First you must find... another shrubbery! (dramatic chord) Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. ("A path! A path!") Then, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest... with... a herring!

There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not

Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark

No it can't! An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock, Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok

Honesty, simplicity and truth are the secret to his comedy,

The Castle Aaahhhgggg - our quest is at an end.

This morning, shortly after 11 oclock, comedy struck this little house in Dibbley road. Sudden, violent comedy.

It's funny, isn't it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?

He's not the Messiah - he's a very naughty boy.

He's not pining, he's passed on. This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff, bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't have nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies. He's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!