Funny Quotations

One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

The best time to make friends is before you need them.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

I never said most of the things I said.

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. Alice Roosevelt Longworth Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

The world is round so that friendship may encircle it.

Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind.

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

A day wasted on others is not wasted on one's self.

A man is only as good as what he loves.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

A friend is long sought, hardly found, and with difficulty kept.

Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

These young guys are playing checkers. I'm out there playing chess.

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

The average Hollywood film star's ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman and have a French boyfriend.

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.