Ogden Nash Quotations | Page 3

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

You can take it as understood, That your luck changes only if it's good.

Nobody agrees with anybody else anyhow, but adults conceal it and infants show it.

Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.

This is my dream, It is my own dream, I dreamt it. I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it.

Linguistics becomes an ever eerier area, like I feel like I'm in Oz, Just trying to tell it like it was.

Middle age ends and senescence begins, the day your descendant's outnumber your friends.

I think progress began to retrogress when Wilbur and Orville started tinkering around in Dayton and at Kitty Hawk, because I believe that two Wrights made a wrong.

The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions is by their actions

There once was an umpire whose vision Was cause for abuse and derision He remarked in surprise, 'Why pick on my eyes? It's my heart that dictates my decision.'

Abracadabra, thus we learn The more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you're given, The less you lead, the more you're driven, The more destroyed, the more they feed, The more you pay, the more they need, The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake.

Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord's anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can't get your fingers on him.

He without benefit of scruples - His fun and money soon quadruples.

The highest form of wisdom is to get drunk and go to pieces. The highest form of wisdom is to get drunk and go to pieces. Candy is dandy But liquor is quicker.

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.

So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it, And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it, And the fetters gave him welts, And they named America after somebody else.

At another year I would not boggle Except that when I jog I joggle.

Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as legislature.... So people who go to bed to sleep Must count French premiers or sheep, And people who ought to arise from bed Yawn and go back to sleep instead.

Some one invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumbers, Ringing wrong but similar numbers.

All that glitters is sold as gold.

Time is so old and love so brief, love is pure gold and time a thief. We're late, darling, we're late, The curtain descends, everything ends, too soon, too soon.

I myself am more and more inclined to agree with Omar and Satchel Paige as I grow older: Don't try to rewrite what the moving finger has writ, and don't ever look over your shoulder.

Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

To Tom Carlson or his dog-depending on whose taste it best suits.

Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways.

An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks.

Maybe I couldn't be dafter, But I keep wondering if this time we settle our differences before a war instead of after.

Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.

Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.

The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath.

How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!

There is something about a martini, Ere the dining and dancing begin, And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth- I think that perhaps it's the gin.

In the world of mules there are no rules.

The old men know when an old man dies.

Don't Cry Darling, It's Blood All Right

The sky is now indelible ink, The branches reft asunder; But you and I we do not shrink; We love the lovely thunder.

Then blessings on thee, my afternoon torpor Thou makest a prince of a mental porpor.

The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake.

If called by a panther, don't anther.

A cough is something that you yourself cant help, but everybody else does on purpose just to torment you.

One bliss for which There is no match Is when you itch To up and scratch.

Only the gamefish swims upstream, But the sensible fish swims down.

Neath tile or thatch That man is rich Who has a scratch For every itch.

A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books - Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage, And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.

When a lady's erotic life is vexed God knows what God is coming next.

We love the kindly wind and hail, The jolly thunderbolt, We watch in glee the fairy trail Of ampere, watt, and volt.

The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.

A cough is something that you yourself can't help, but everybody else does on purpose just to torment you.