Tim Conway Quotations

I like to work a lot with wood. I make furniture that falls apart. I also sew.

I've never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it.

If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I've had a great life.

I avoid all the language and nudity and violence and everything. I have enough of that at home.

I was dyslexic - was, still am - 'cause I would see words that weren't there. And people just started laughing, and I thought, well, this is a good way to make a living. I'll just go downtown to read and have people laugh, you know?

I think there are a lot of things out there that are humorous that people don't realize until you actually show them what is going on. Saran Wrap for one thing. You know, you could pull enough of that out of the box and it will actually kill you. It will get a hold of you, stick to you, and choke you to death.

I've known Harvey for over 40 years and I worked with him on the Burnett show for 11 years. I guess you could say we're about as close as you can get to being a comedy team.

My parents were very funny - they didn't know it. But they were. They were actually sharing an IQ.

Don Knotts was a really big influence, especially on the Steve Allen show. I mean, look at the guy, his entire life is in his face.

When I watch TV, I'm embarrassed by some of what's on.

I have a lot of awards in my house that I have absolutely no idea what they are for.

A lot of people like to live on laurels that happened 20 or 30 years ago, but it's nice to get awards. It's nice to be labeled and things like that, but I'm not sure everybody qualifies.

As a kid I was short and only weighed 95 pounds. And though I was active in a lot of Sports and got along with most of the guys, I think I used comedy as a defense mechanism. You know making someone laugh is a much better way to solve a problem than by using your fists.

My career is pretty much over. I'm out in the Valley eating soft-boiled eggs.

When you're small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot.

I don't watch a lot of TV anymore. A lot of it isn't the kind of thing you can feel comfortable with watching with your kids. And I still feel that way even though, now, my kids are in their 30s.

I figure you're only here for a matter of moments. Ever since I was a kid watching movies I've always wanted to make people laugh or have some sort of emotional reaction.

We kept a broad audience, and we didn't make fun of people who had necessarily made mistakes in their life and burned them to the ground. We made fun of a commercial or a movie or ourselves.

At first I wanted to be a jockey. I rode horses in Cleveland but I kept falling off and I was afraid of horses. So there wasn't much of a future in it.

The reason 'The Carol Burnett Show' did so well in the ratings is because people were looking for that comfort zone when the whole family sat around and watched television and enjoyed it.

Actually, we've done 75 of these shows and every one of them has sold out. But then we buy all the tickets.

People enjoy sitting back knowing they won't hear a lot of four-letter words.

If I wouldn't offend my religion or God, why would I want to offend an audience because in effect those people are being watched over by the same person.

Harvey never had an original idea or thought in his life. I was out wandering around the country doing charity benefits, mainly, when I asked him to come along.

Nowadays they have 12 directors and 15 producers and 30 writers. And all the writers want their lines said a certain way-which isn't necessarily funny. I mean the lines aren't necessarily so funny to begin with.

You can't TV surf without coming across an Andy of Mayberry episode where you've just got to watch Don as Barney. That's why I put Don in several of my movies.

I would get ill before going onstage - something about getting in front of people, and if they don't laugh, I'm a bomb. I got over it when somebody laughed.

You know how you tell your dog, stay? You are not controlling him,

Whoa, is this going to hurt. Look at that picture.

We're two different people. But no matter what we do, we appreciate each other so much that we can't imagine what we could say to each other where we'd break up.

Every show wants to be like Friends, and so you've got these shows that literally are so much alike you could stack them on top of each other.

We have encountered a situation that wasn't expected in the work plan (for this site). We have asked GE to evaluate it.

This habitat is ideal for them. There's enough food, shelter and water to sustain a natural population.

They've been known to enjoy a cat meal now and then, and there are a lot of stray cats out there.

This is not the big bad wolf syndrome. They're an integral part of Pennsylvania right now.

Instantly, there was a click. He's the best straight man. There was not a lot of editing or a laugh track, so we would either get laughs or you would hear the air conditioner.

I don't see anything wrong with what's going on in this country today, so I don't really think much of it. It's not something I watch.

God wants you to live a life where you are madly in love with Jesus Christ. Where Christ excites you, you fear Him, you love Him, you find Him beautiful. You love Him more then your family and more then money. You love Him above everything. And because of that love that spills over, with joy you seek to serve Him. Isn't that the kind of life that God wants from you?

Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her.

I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter - each time I enter a room I wonder what I'm here after.

I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he's charging me for finding it.

If following Christ has never cost you anything, you're not following Him.

The majority of what calls itself Christianity today is a circus. You've got a bunch of people chasing health, wealth, prosperity; chasing a good time, chasing the social club, chasing where the action's happening, chasing the good music and the good times. But few people are out there chasing God, and truly going hard after Him, and truly making the sacrifices in their life and cleaning their hands in such a way and working to have a pure heart that they might actually ascend that hill of the Lord and they might actually commune with God in a way that few people do and few people know about.

Why do you do what you do? Why do you dress the way you dress?Why do you do what you do with your time? Why do you watch what you watch on TV or at the movies or on the computer? Do you have God-glorifying reasons for all of it?

People who come along all the time and they ask, 'What's wrong with this?' In other words, they're always wondering how close to the edge they can getand still be a Christian. Listen, if any of you are like that, just go back to the world. Stop testing the edges. If it's the world you want, go back to it! And if you want to love Christ, then love Christ, and love Him with all your heart, and follow Him, and stop playing this idiotic game where you want to see how close to the edge you can live.

I can remember one time a guy told me, a guy that preached, he claimed to be a preacher, he claimed to be called of God-I asked him about his prayer life one day. He said, 'Yeah, I pray; I pray when I'm brushing my teeth.' I knew immediately that man was not called of God to stand in a pulpit. Every church he's tried to plant has been a failure. He is not a God-called man.

There's a mindset in other countries that if you're an American, you're a Christian. Well, those people are sadly misled; they don't know our country. Our country is wicked, and the Christians are few. Just like they're few in other countries, they're few here. There may be many churches and there may be church buildings on every street corner and every corner in our cities across this country, but the true Christians are few.

Fortunately my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races she never asks any questions, if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog.

It's hard to be sad when you're laughing, so I enjoy making people happy.