Terry Pratchett Discworld Quotations

The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

What're quantum mechanics?" "I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose.

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

Did I do anything last night that suggested I was sane?

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.

His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.

You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?

I like the idea of democracy. You have to have someone everyone distrusts,

You can't find a hermit to teach you herming, because of course that rather spoils the whole thing.

As we all know, the Discworld is a flat planet - like a geological pizza, but without the anchovies.

A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.

Words are the litmus paper of the mind.

This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).

[The pamphlet] was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.

This time it had been magic. And it didn't stop being magic just because you found out how it was done.

And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

And no practical definition of freedom would be complete without the freedom to take the consequences. Indeed, it is the freedom upon which all the others are based.

And it came to pass that in time the Great God Om spake unto Brutha, the Chosen One: "Psst!

Creators aren't gods. They make places, which is quite hard. It's men that make gods. This explains a lot.

The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.

Despite rumor, Death isn't cruel--merely terribly, terribly good at his job.

Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind.

I imagine that fish have no word for water.

Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall universe and reboot.

We've got a lot of experience of not having any experience

Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out.

I am death, not taxes. I turn up only once.

Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving

What can the harvest hope for...

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease.

There are no inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts.

Most gods find it hard to walk and think at the same time.

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.