The wanting was a wilderness and I had to find my own way out of the woods.
I'd finally come to understand what it had been: a yearning for a way out, when actually what I had wanted to find was a way in.
There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course.
Believe in the integrity and value of the jagged path. We don't always do the right thing on our way to rightness.
That's how we find our way outward and onward. By holding onto beauty hardest. By cradling it like the cure that it is. By making it realer than anything ever was. The rest is just monsters and ghosts.
I asked, often out loud: Who is tougher than me? The answer was always the same, and even when I knew absolutely there was no way on this earth that it was true, I said it anyway: No one.
The only way out of a hole is to climb out.