Dave Barry Doctors Quotations

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.

I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion. What I'm saying is that it actually works, which is something you can say about very few other aspects of the medical establishment.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...

Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.

When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".

Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.