Dave Barry Stupidity Quotations

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

Too many rocks in the mountains.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.