David Letterman New Quotations

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.

St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock.

Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.

If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point — if you didn’t believe it before, you can absolutely believe it now: New York City is the greatest city in the world.

Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire.

Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?

Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.

I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch...

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.

This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.

Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing — yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.

Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?

To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.

Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.

Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.