Jay Leno Men Quotations

You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.

In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can't stand, it's Hillary.

A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.

The difference between Men and Women is that Men love The 3 Stooges, and Women think they're assholes.

According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men.

The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?

I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!

50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!

Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.

An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.

A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain - and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.

A new study finds that women use their whole brain when listening and men only use half of their brain. You see, men use the other half of their brain to come up with excuses. I don't think women use their whole brain when listening. I think they use half of it and the other half is used to memorize what men are saying so they can use it against them 10 years later!

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.

The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry.

Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission has charged a man with going deer hunting with a handgun in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He is being charged with reckless endangerment, but may plead guilty to the lesser charge of being a redneck.... Hunting in a Wal-Mart parking lot. That's got to be some good eating — a deer that lives on leftover Twizzlers and Mountain Dew.

Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.'

Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.

Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.

Researchers in England say tall men are more likely to have more children than short men. Here in America we call that the NBA theory.

A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.

Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.

One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living.

John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man.

A Pakistan businessman is claiming that John Walker Lindh is gay and that he was his lover. Say what you will about Lindh, but when this guy goes to play for the other team - he goes all the way ... So Lindh may be both a terrorist and a gay man. That may be John Ashcroft's worst nightmare.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn't remember anything about the 60's - I guess he wasn't lying.

President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?

Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan.