Adam Carolla Quotations

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.

I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, 'Torture doesn't work.' Well, it's been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn't work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

I am not a good cue card reader.

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

I've never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV, you're kind of connected, but they know you as the TV name not your real name. If you do radio, there's more of a bond there. And then if you do a podcast it's like you're literally inside of your fans.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

I don't know that I appreciate things more because of how I grew up, but I am very realistic with what I expect out of people and what they expect out of me.

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

right now, I hope it's later rather than sooner.

should be like a salmon taking to open water.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely stir crazy and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life, ... But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

He has a great sense of humor -- but it's in his assembly. It's really his craftsmanship that people overlook. It's not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.

spontaneous, clever, specific, oblique and at the same time very human.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, ... I love the interior and the style of the car.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

I get depressed at airports.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

I know everything because I know nothing.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?