Amy Sedaris Quotations

If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I always feel like there's something around me protecting me.

Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny pair of shoes in the hallway or lean small wooden crutches in what I refer to as 'the baby's room,' which is actually a tiny space where I make things. I continue to call it the baby's room because it confuses people and it's creepy.

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it because you needed it.

I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my senior year, when I couldn't be a Girl Scout anymore. I was in clubs like Junior Achievement, and I ran track and field. My grades were good, but then toward 11th grade they were nothing. I always went to summer school.

My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea market.

I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.

We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.

My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.

But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.

You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air.

I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.

I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someone's yard on the way home from school, I would go to the end of the block and turn.

When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yourself.' It's like chocolate-chip cookies. People buy the cookie-dough roll and slice it, and then they lay it on a cookie sheet. That's not making chocolate-chip cookies.

I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff raff is around. Then I get that last-minute surge of energy. But if I had two weeks to plan, sometimes I wish I wasn't doing it. But very seldom does that happen.

I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them sometimes. I walk into the kitchen with my wand, and I come out with something on a platter and I say, 'See, magic happens.' Works every time.

More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They don't like to see an ugly lady.

I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got along with everybody, and I usually got along with the people that people didn't like.

I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd get your supplies, and then you'd use your imagination.

I really don't like going out. I don't like restaurants because I don't like the idea of someone, a waitress, being responsible for my evening. I like seconds, and more, and lots of conversation, and I've always hated the idea that in a restaurant an evening just ends. I find that incredibly depressing.

I have a couple freeloader friends, but it's okay. I know they're gonna come in with their arms flying in the air empty-handed.

I like to make things, but I looked at old craft books on weaving or mosaics or whatever, I'm like, 'I don't really know anything about that stuff.'

I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But because I'm such a homebody, it's important to be surrounded by things I love.

I feel confident writing on my feet with improv, but it's different when you're sitting down and writing it out.

I love cop shows and crime books and thrillers, and before I die I'm gonna play a cop.

I have a lot of fake food in my apartment, but I'm picky about it. Old plaster food, like from the '50s is really nice, hollowed out paper-mache food from old plays - the new stuff just looks too good.

I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, including a rubber turkey, which, during the holidays, I wrap in tinfoil so it appears to have just come out of the oven.

I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to make things. I don't break that down to be weakness, or the only things women can do, or putting me back 20 years.

They just expected it to you know... Paul, Steve and I could have hired our own publicist, if we wanted to, but I kind of liked the way it was more of a cult thing and those that liked it, liked it, you know what I mean?

Don't make anybody a homemade gift. Unless you're really good, or it's going to be really practical. If it's a little thing you think is cute 'cause you made it, just forget it.

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.

I like working with the public, and I like that it's really hard work.

I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop.

I swear I want to be a food model.

I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's going to get edited. I think that comes from being in a large family, so you have to get your story in really quick or someone cuts you off.

Usually I'm the one asking somebody to do something because I don't know how to finish it. I'm like, 'Do this for me' because I'm just resistant to learning.

I like to just make things... If I have the TV on, I'm not just going to sit there. I want to do something with my hands; I've always got a project. Or I get a small group of people over, and I say, 'Let's make these things today.'

I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be' this person, you know? So then its like, if I'm really this person, how can I be in the moment if I know there's just one line I'm supposed to say? It doesn't feel natural. I always just kind of want to say whatever comes up.

I'd just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out.

I always find something to keep me busy.

I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be entertained.

Gay guys know how to craft, and they craft really well. Straight guys, forget it.

I failed first grade, which is my biggest problem. You always feel like a failure, like you're stupid.

There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.

People always think I'm Amy Poehler, which never bothers me. I mean, Amy Poehler is great.

A lot of times girls think they're funny, but they want to pretty at the same time, and if you want to be funny, you have to be willing to get ugly.

But I love how people who are musical, they know how to dress.

I always knew I didn't want kids, and I didn't want to get married.

I can't imagine going to an all-girls school. I went to a public school.

I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.

I feel so free and open to ideas, and I get inspired by everything.

I hate playing pretty or sane people. Most people are not attractive or all there.

David and Dad didn't get along too well growing up. I mean we all got along, but it was harder on David, because David wasn't going to be the son that Dad wanted. But now they're like best friends.

I have no desire to carry a movie.

I just like to have the ideas. Other people can help see them through.

I like people who would rather something be discovered than shoved in your face.

I like to play unattractive people who think they're pretty. You can do what you want, but I prefer to look interesting.

I like working with the public, I like working with food, and I like making cash.

I stayed in New York City for the first time, I'd always wanted to do that.

I'd rather have a part where you walk into a room and you leave. That's perfect for me.

I'm drawn to people who look different. I'm not exploiting. I'm not making fun of them. I'm drawn to them.

If I'm creating something for myself, then I want to have fun.

It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high.

People that know me know that I cook. I cook every night.

Well I went to New Orleans to cover the jazz festival for Trio, it's this new arts channel, it's really great.

When I'm by myself, I never play music. I have a lot of it, for a girl, but I don't listen to it a lot. I hate picking music out; I'm not good at it.

You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use your imagination to come up with stuff.

If I know I have to memorize lines, I'm really gonna try to memorize lines. It's hard for me sometimes, because somebody wrote these words and you're trying really hard to get them the way they said it.

My kitchen's pink, like skin-tone pink, and I lowered my spice rack so it's eye level - it's true! - and my phone, so I can reach it when I fall, it's right there.

Whenever I do your show, sometimes I get a little check in the mail and then I take that check and buy a new pair of shoes, and then I wear those shoes the next time I do your show.

I'm a real domestic person, and when I was doing the TV show, I was usually the first one there and the last one to leave.

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

I was just a kid. I think I stole a candy bar. I remember feeling so terrible. It was the worst shock. I was probably 7. That's my least favorite feeling: guilt.

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.

I love old cookbooks. I just got such a kick out of them, how the color would be way off or fake looking. The cook books now look so much like magazines, you'll never make food that looks like that. I'd rather see it the ugly way than they way they do it now.

As my guests leave even my most simple parties, I consistently hear the same thing: 'That was the best time I ever had,' and it's always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably.

I like to be the one in charge of everything.

Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas.

That's why I love improvisational theater so much - you do it [scene] once and then it's done. You don't get bogged down with a lot of preplanning and repetition. If I do something and it gets a laugh, I don't want to do it again. Why bother? I'm just repeating myself. It's boring.

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

Imagination! My problem is that I have so many ideas, I never have enough time to use them all. Just the other day I thought up eleven things I could do with a flowerpot. Eleven! Three of those things didn't even involve plants.

Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.

I like to be around entertaining people. Even if they're bored, and you're in a convalescent home, there's something entertaining about that, in a way.

Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs.

It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris

I've been to some funerals where there's a lot of laughing - it's about celebrating their new journey. I can't think of anything. There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

I like dramas and stuff. That's what I watch, but it seems weird that I'd be in it.

My little brother Paul. He owns his own floor sanding business called Silly P Hardwood Floors and hes really good.

I listen. I like to give advice. Mostly, Ill just try to listen to my friends, and theyll say the same thing over and over again.

I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

You just can't enjoy any of the movie when you're in it.

I’ve named everything that I’ve ever owned. Real or inanimate, I have to give it a first and last name. Everything in my apartment comes alive at night.

The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over.

I live in the moment.

I like it when people who aren't so attractive, or they have a whole lot of hurdles to get over, I like it when they dress up and they look presentable. That, to me, just touches me.

All my muscles are in my face. I have a very muscular face. I'm good with faces. I always have been.