Mallory Ortberg Quotations

I think female solitude is a mental condition as well as a physical state. You can be married and a spinster. I think spinster is an identity every woman can claim, if she will... I feel like a lot of women, or a lot of feminists, joke about taking to the sea or living alone in a cottage as this kind of fun freedom.

Everyone wants to be liked; everyone wants approval. No one likes being ignored.

Did you know that, pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on Earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings.

The most successful Subway customers, of course, are the ones who can't keep their hands off their sandwich. Join your artist in the sandwich assembling process. That sneeze guard is a suggestion. That sneeze guard is trying to intimidate you into staying on the customer's side of the partition.

When I think of Emily Dickinson, there's not one particular poem of hers that jumps out, but I do have a very vivid image of an ill woman with giant eyes who wants to write about the sun exploding.

A lot of my creative energy is spent coming up with a concept that, once I get it, I feel like it writes itself.

One of the things that would be great is to some day have so many women comedy writers that we wouldn't say there's just one type of female humor. There's lots.

In the hands of a passive-aggressive person who wants to abdicate responsibility for things, texting is a great tool. You can really go nuts.

I attended an evangelical Christian university on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles and by the time of my graduation was neither evangelical nor Christian.

My credentials, briefly: I no longer go to church or believe in God, but I can still name every one of the fruits of the Spirit and reeled for days upon hearing the announcement that Audio Adrenaline was reunited with one of the singers from DC Talk.

I have a lot of faith in the power of joking to make something thoughtful.

Eighty per cent of my output is 'Mallory clowns on the Western canon,' and I'm happy to be that person.

Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, five experiences.

I graduated with an English degree and worked for awhile in academic publishing.

I grew up in a home where reading was a big deal.

I have fun going on Twitter and the Internet. I feel safe and comfortable, and I wish everyone could feel that way.

It certainly was unusual growing up with two fairly well-known pastors as my parents.

It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies.

There's no specific mission statement for the 'Toast.'

Usually my writing is very over the top and bombastic and very, like, 'I'm amazing! Look at me!'

Weirdly, often the more I write, the more ideas I have.

When I was twenty years old, I had gum grafts put in.

After I do my first writing of the day, I will generally look at Twitter and Google News - and that's my big media secret. I look at Twitter and I look at Google because they pull all the headlines from other websites.

Ghost! I miss him! Is that weird? I miss him even though I invented him. I feel a lot of tenderness toward him. I don't write a lot of stuff that is sad or that is tender and affectionate, so that has a very special place in my heart.

My history teacher could make us feel like he was imparting rare gossip to us when he was talking about Maria Theresa and the Habsburgs. I just loved that sense of - the Western canon is here, and it's gossipy and tawdry, and everyone is sort of goofy.

My parents are both pastors. In the '80s and '90s in the mainstream Christian world, it was not really common for a woman - especially a married woman and a mother - to be a pastor.

Usually, the first thing I do when I wake up is I start working, so I often won't start the day by reading anything because I like to minimize my 'commute' as much as possible. I wake up, open my laptop and start working in bed.

With a few exceptions, birds are not to be trusted; it is not normal to have such soft, vulnerable bodies bookended with slashing beaks and razor-sharp claws. It is as unnatural as an armed marshmallow.

The Toast's audience is about 30-35 percent male, which shocked me because I would say that we actively try to discourage men from reading our site. Apparently, there's not insignificant number of dudes out there who think that what we are doing is okay.

I spent the first 22 years of my life absorbing everything, like a big disgusting cell, and now I'm disgorging it with jokes added out into the world. That's a really gross metaphor.

We went to church twice a week. My parents were employed in ministry; we prayed before dinner. We rollerbladed in the summer. We were allowed to watch the 'Simpsons.' I fought with my younger brother over Legos.

In my final year of attending a Christian sports camp in rural Missouri, the year before I started high school, they began to offer an elective Bible study group for young Christians who wanted a chance to read in the afternoons instead of learn to water-ski.

I love reading religious authors. Especially in the sort of circle I move in, people tend to be more secular, and I love reading books by just really smart people of religious faith. It's always a really cool perspective.

I'm on Twitter a lot of the day because I really like Twitter. It's great for jokes. But when I'm writing, I can't do anything else. I can't even listen to music. I just have to write, and then I can do something else. I can't multitask.

I'm really not a journalist, and I don't do a ton of newsy pieces. Occasionally I'll write about something that's going on recently, but I really don't do a ton of stuff that's tied to current events.

I love 'Jane Eyre,' and I love the Bronte sisters. I actually didn't read any of them until I was in college, so I don't have quite the same connection with them that I think a lot of women do.

I read my first P.G. Wodehouse when I was 12.

Anything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of creative control - that's all I want.

So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear of saying something out of turn or "bringing up bad memories" that bereaved people often feel forgotten.

Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.

If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting."

I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.

Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.

I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.

Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.

If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."

I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at them, the look on the lady's face is like so clear and her body language and her posture or their physical situation is so immediately recognizable. Anyone who's been in a conversation they didn't want to have, or been getting harangued by a little kid they didn't want to pay attention to or been tired and wanted to go to bed is just like, "Yes, of course."

You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them.

Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over; let them go.

I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about; there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.

I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.

You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.

I'm forgetful by nature and often ask family, friends, and co-workers the same question.

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.

You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of person who makes "black widow" jokes to deal with an uncomfortable, painful moment. You should be with a person capable of great compassion and understanding.

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.

No one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It's a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married.

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.

I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members.

Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful.

We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.

Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.

In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a "healthy lifestyle" in order to rent property.

It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.

Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.

Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move.

You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.

I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration.

A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It.

"Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people" and "treating gay people like human beings" are necessary conditions of greatness.

Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about.

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.

Someone who responds to "Please don't grope me" with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.

Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.

Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.

I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.

Knowledge of death is the beginning of wisdom.

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day.

If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.

To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.

It can't hurt to have a backup.

Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.

Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.

LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin.

As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.

Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!

Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.

It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!

If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.

Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.

Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die.

Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.