Humor Quotations

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.

Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long.

I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes.

The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

In a girl I look for honesty above all, someone who I can carry on a conversation with, someone who has a good sense of humor, someone who's true to herself, and to top it, someone who can get ready for a date in less than ten minutes.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Ontologically, chocolate raises profoundly disturbing questions: Does not chocolate offer natural revelation of the goodness of the Creator just as chilies disclose a divine sense of humor? Is the human born with an innate longing for chocolate? Does the notion of chocolate preclude the concept of free will?

Set your compass to beauty, humor, and grief; stay the course no matter what, and I'll support you with everything I've got.

I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.

The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune.

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.

You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I like working on stories where I can explore the darker corners of childhood without illustrations but with humor.

One question about a joke is, how well is the strangeness of the situation resolved? At 'The New Yorker', we retain a lot of incongruity, tapping the playful part of the mind - Monty Python-type stuff. We also try to use humor as a vehicle for communicating ideas. Not editorial comment, but observation.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

I liked the premise of this material. I love the marriage relationship. They kind of keep each other honest, and they enjoy each other's sense of humor. Kind of a sexy but boring relationship.

I think superheroes are heroes with flaws, and in their flaws, there is a sense of humor.

I like guys who have a plan or a dream. A good sense of humor is also a must. I can be weird with my humor and say things that are random. You need to understand that I'm really goofy and go with it.

Sometimes I'll be sitting with my friends; I'll say something Koothrappali-esque and make a face. There is a lot of Koothrappali in me as a human being. A lot of mannerism, humor, mischievousness, my innocence. So I don't know if I bring him home so much as I bring myself to him at work.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

The values transmitted through oral history are many - courage, selflessness, the ability to endure, and to do so with humor and grace. I got those values listening to my dad's stories about the Depression and how their family survived. It gave me courage that I, too, could survive hard times.

If you're playing a good guy, you show some darkness. If you're playing a dark guy, you show something different, like humor, that will mix it up and hopefully surpass the audience's expectations. What I'm battling all the time is complacency in the audience. I try to bring a little mystery to what might happen because that engages people more.

I think humor is used a lot of the time to keep people from getting too close. Humor side-steps and shifts the meaning.

It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.

I think the humor of double puns is incredible.

As I write, I control my anxiety and anguish thanks to the invaluable aid of irony and humor. But every night I am subdued by an anxiety that knows no irony, and I must wait until the next day to rediscover the blend of anguish and humor that characterizes my writing and that generates my style.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I think it's part of the responsibility of an artist to shock, to upset, to make people think differently, and to surprise people. And that's where the good humor is, if there's a surprise and there's something unexpected. Something that's not normal, not in the realm of general living expectations.

I hang out with the 'nerdy' people - they have a different sense of humor than most kids.

Humor has always been important to me. If there is a shield of faith that you can keep up against difficulties, humor is the Teflon coating.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.

Bad humor is an evasion of reality; good humor is an acceptance of it.

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

Humor is the ability to see three sides to one coin.

The sad thing about artificial intelligence is that it lacks artifice and therefore intelligence.

I used to be neurotic. I didn't like myself very much. But somewhere in my mid-40s, my neuroses stopped seeming so important. I developed a sense of humor.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'

To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.

I like girls who are funny with a warped sense of humor.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

The line between humor and bad taste is your audience, in which some people will find everything offensive, and some people will find nothing offensive, but the truth is that most humor originates in what would be called bad taste.

Humor writing is something that comes naturally to me.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

There's no difference between fame and infamy now. There's a new school of professional famous people that don't do anything. They don't create anything.

Maybe the bar is low, but most of the strips that are 50, 60, 70 years old that are on their second or third generation of artists, the humor is pretty bland. There are others by people that were raised on 'Family Guy' or 'South Park' that are edgier. Mine's not as edgy as those, but it's edgier than 'Beetle Bailey.'

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

It never seems to occur to some people, that, like beauty, a sense of humor may sometimes be fatal.

You can find heroism everyday, like guys working terrible jobs because they've got to support their families. Or as far as humor, the things I see on the job, on the street, are far funnier than anything you'll ever see on TV.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

A little perspective, like a little humor, goes a long way.

'Northern Exposure.' I loved that show; I loved the way it was able to have episodes where somebody finds a woolly mammoth, he calls the museum in New York, they send a guy out, and the mammoth's gone because someone ate it. To me, that was everything I ever wanted to do. That show mixed emotion, humor and the surreal all at once.

I like humor: the sort of gentle humor that points out human foibles.

I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from the character, the behavior, and not from the jokes. I don't think jokes are funny. Humor comes out of character and out of situations the character is in.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

We are not actually in charge of life, yet behave as if we are the masters of our own destiny. The realization of this fact is quite a hard one. The ridiculousness of our pomposity and presumption can only result in anger or humor.

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

Every Brit I met had the best sense of humor. They're hilarious: very dry and witty.

My senior year of high school, I was voted 'Wittiest.' So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about.

This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.

On average, drug prisoners spend more time in federal prison than rapists, who often get out on early release because of the overcrowding in prison caused by the Drug War.

Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

And I loved Fats Waller. I love his instrumental abilities, his vocal abilities and his sense of humor.

One of the things that binds us as a family is a shared sense of humor.

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.