Tim Allen Quotations

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people.

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

No business they could invest in is as good as buying their own stock. Any business you get into is not going to be as good as the business you have.

no class at Wilson has more than 22 students at this time.

Lots of companies sell basic communications and connectivity. ATX goes far beyond that to offer meaningful ideas and solutions that truly enhance the way businesses operate and compete. From maximizing employee productivity, to protecting mission-critical data, to increasing cost-efficiency, we're helping small and mid-size organizations improve the way they do business.

Lower-valued properties appreciate less quickly. Higher-valued properties appreciate more quickly. Someone with a $100,000 home benefits, but someone with a $1 million home benefits more.

I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, ... Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.

What would happen is the champion would be protected.

What we are talking about is way out in front of where most of our customers are at the moment. But they catch up all at once sometimes.

I think for ease of viewing, the hockey events, the ice-skating events are the best.

I think the rules are excellent. There are probably plenty of things they can do to increase fan involvement and keep spirit up that don't involve placing anyone at risk.

It bolsters the perception that this administration relies too much on spin.

You know from one year to the next what's expected. You get the same drills, the same expectations, the same teaching.

We have a great team here. And we've received tremendous support from parents. We're really trying to bring this whole thing together to have a successful transition.

The demand by our institutions was substantial, but we are pleased to work with the American Airlines Center on this public sale. It has resulted in some quality seats being available to the general public.

I've been bowling since I was four years old.

Developing software is way too hard. I think we just haven't been able to keep up with the huge increase in memory size and computing power.

It was obvious to me that they had copied these drawings. And knowing that they had copied them they could really only exist in electronic form,

As far as trucking in snow, we don't have the money.

The forecast might rule out upside potential for the quarter.

The first-quarter numbers were as advertised. The longer-term story for Microsoft hasn't changed. Estimates beyond the second quarter haven't changed.

It's a little bit of a relief. It's not a total catastrophe. It looks like they're saying the second quarter is the bottom.

Even when I first saw it I thought, 'I don't know if kids are gonna buy this, adults especially not, it's too high tech, it looks too much like a video game,'

There were no problems today, ... We are pleased about how things went. Everything was well organized and put together. We enjoyed the celebration of a new school year.

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot.

When you're 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!

The greatest missile in the world is useless ... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids--for everyone, even if you fail at first--to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn't blow that thing off their heads. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.

I may go back and spice it up with a little bit of the tool stuff and grunting and all that that I know so well. But it feels like I'm rehashing old material. And some of my audiences like that. So I'm there to entertain. I'm not there to make a political statement or anything like that. I'm there to entertain.

The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

I'm a pretty solid Christian. But even as an altar boy, I was always asking the bigger questions--you know: if God is, in fact, good, what is all this death I see? And if God is gentle, what is all this suffering I see? I've found some of the answers in Eastern religion. It explained my Christianity to me. Good and evil are the same thing. You can't have one without the other. It's the balance, it's the temperance of things.

What causes sibling rivalry?" "Having more than one kid.

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I'd done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.

I think there's a percentage [of the audience] that don't realize, that don't know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It's more of a ... it's not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.

The world is your oyster when you are successful. That was when I was getting scripts. I was planning for this. I like this business. Parts of it I love, and I didn't want it to just end. The further you get away from your success, the less your phone rings. The next thing you know, it's 20 years later and you're in a mall going, "Remember when Al and I used to do something like this...

Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine - this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.

A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.

I have way too many commitments. I get pulled in too many directions and I never seem to be able to satisfy anybody. People get turned on by knowing a celebrity, even my friends and family. They feel that there's something exciting about me, but in reality there's no substance to it. People in airports just hold on to me expecting something and it seems that I always come up empty. It's frustrating because I'm trying to please everybody, and ya just can't do that ... at least I can't.

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.

Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.