Stephen Colbert Want Quotations

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.