Demetri Martin Men Quotations

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.