Joan Rivers Men Quotations

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.