Mark Twain Money Quotations

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down on the doctor's bills like everything.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin

A crowded police court docket is the surest of all signs that trade is brisk and money plenty

The lack of money is the root of all evils.

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute-but they all worship money.

Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more.

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money off them.

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.

If all men were rich, all men would be poor.

Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" - which is but a matter of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Pull all your eggs in the one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET." - Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

I went to the circus, and loafed around the back side till the watchman went by, and then dived in under the tent. I had my twenty-dollar gold piece and some other money, but I reckoned I better save it.... I ain't opposed to spending money on circuses, when there ain't no other way, but there ain't no use in wasting it on them.

Geological time is not money.