Norm MacDonald Guy Quotations

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I don't like sports where it's like, you watch a guy on a motorcycle flip or something, then another guy does it, it looks exactly the same, and then at the end one guy gets higher points! It seems so arbitrary; I don't know who's ahead ever.

I don't really like doing big stand-up. Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up. I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don't like big houses, I don't drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool.

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.