Craig Ferguson Quotations

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

For most of these people, it's probably the most looked-forward-to event of the year for them.

Going into at least January, you would expect the Fed to take rates to 4.5 per cent in the US, possibly up to 4.75 per cent by March. If that's the case, then the US dollar is more likely to rally . . . over . . . the next three to six months than decline, so the Aussie is going to be under pressure.

Today's number clearly has the potential to move the currency. Upcoming data may surprise on the higher rather than lower side. Today's GDP data will likely provide further evidence of this re- acceleration.

We continue to believe that further USD weakness in coming sessions will push the Australian dollar above US$0.7500 and that the U.S. dollar will remain the key directional driver, despite today's trade balance data.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.

Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell.

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass

Fat is where comedy is stored,

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.