Craig Ferguson Funny Quotations

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."