George Carlin People Quotations

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people

Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People

I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your whole life...? Take a freakin' chance!

We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way.

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.

I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring the audience along carefully enough with you, you can get them to cross the line with you. What I try to do is talk about things that bother me, and I hope that in doing so I bother other people.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry.

I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.

The planet is fine. The people are f****d.

You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.

More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat !

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

"No comment" is a comment.

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did.

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

Hard work is for people short on talent.

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Hooray for most things!

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain

I'm not an angry person, just very disappointed and contemptuous of my fellow humans' choices - and on stage those feelings sometimes are exaggerated for a theatric stage - you're on a stage you have an audience of 2500 or 3000 people: you need to project the feelings, the emotions it's heightened, and people mistake it for a personal anger but it's more dissatisfaction, disappointment and contempt for these things we've settled for.

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.

More people write poetry than read it.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.

I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.

There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens.. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.