George Carlin Quotations

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people

Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People

I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.

I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims; this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you're born on this world you're guilt, period, f*ck you, end of report, next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws (at most an occasional visit to the cemetery)

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook

We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations are final. That's what it means. Destiny: final. If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren't there yet.

What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would GO OFF!! EERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! HELLO! HELLO!!

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of "nothing

Cop didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

I've never had a 10, but one night I had five twos

The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your whole life...? Take a freakin' chance!

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing

I'm having fun because I don't take it (life) seriously - the only things I care about are my family, friends, work and my lady, Sally. Philosophers for a long time have said 'why are we here?' - I'm here for the entertainment. If you're born in the world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section

The bigger they are, the worse they smell

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem

They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!

a blank slate -- and you get to play.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions.

Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint.

I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.

I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way.

I was kind of sweet kid, according my mother, and my recollections. Thoughtful and good, but kind of alone - although I didn't interpret it that way, as such. Children never interpret these things. They think they understand logically.

When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.

It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."

Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.

I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

My mother and I had a lot of distance between us emotionally, although, on the surface, most of the time, we appeared good and friendly, and all that. But I was a problem. I was a street kid.

I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.

I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing. I just see different things and hear different things. But it's nice to be working from the base that I wrote originally and then come to it with a little buzz. I can have a little wine from time to time. I have a hit from time to time, but those are the only things I do.