George Carlin Funny Quotations

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

What year did Jesus think it was?

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

Religion is just mind control.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Life is a near-death experience.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

The status quo sucks.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Always do whatever's next.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.