Les Dawson Mother Quotations

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.