Mark Twain Heaven Quotations

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.

Mauritius was made first, and then heaven; and that heaven was copied after Mauritius.

Well, we can take you to meet Napoleon -- but he's shining the boots of the person who actually was the world's greatest military genius. He happens to have been a tinsmith from Pennsylvania who never had a chance to go to a military academy -- so he never even knew he was a great military genius. He was born with that capacity -- and only here in heaven do we actually know who these people are.

In discarding the monkey and substituting man, our Father in Heaven did the monkey an undeserved injustice

If I cannot swear in heaven I shall not stay there.

Heaven is the very last place to come to rest and don't you be afraid to bet on that!

It is plain that there is one moral law for heaven and another for the earth. The pulpit assures us that wherever we see suffering and sorrow, which we can relieve and do not, we sin, heavily. There was never yet a case of suffering or sorrow which God could not relieve. Does He sin then?

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won''t go.

It is easy to see that the inventor of the heaven did not originate the idea, but copied it from the show-ceremonies of some sorry little sovereign State up in the back settlements of the Orient somewhere.

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

A religion that comes of thought, and study, and deliberate conviction, sticks best. The revivalized convert who is scared in the direction of heaven because he sees hell yawn suddenly behind him, not only regains confidence when his scare is over, but is ashamed of himself for being scared, and often becomes more hopelessly and malignantly wicked than he was before.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

You can go to heaven if you want. I'd rather stay in Bermuda.

Dying man couldn't make up his mind which place to go to-both have their advantages, heaven for the climate, hell for the company!

God could create the world in six days because he didn't have to make it compatible with the previous version. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company

...heaven for climate, and hell for society.

We may not doubt that society in heaven consists mainly of undesirable persons.

It is easier for a cannibal to enter the Kingdom of Heaven through the eye of a rich man's needle that it is for any other foreigner to read the terrible German script.

I begin to see that a man's got to be in his own heaven to be happy.

When I take up one of Jane Austen's books ... I feel like a barkeep entering the kingdom of heaven. I know what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so.

Every time I read a Jane Austen novel, I feel like a bartender at the gates of heaven.

There is no humor in heaven.

Who are we to create a heaven and hell for ourselves, excluding animals and plants in the bargain, just because we have the power to rationalize?

Words are only painted fire, a look is the fire itself. She gave that look, and carried it away to the treasury of heaven, where all things that are divine belong.

Now I can only pray that there may be a God -- and a heaven -- or something better.

Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries I want to except heaven & hell & I have only a vague curiosity about one of those.

The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.