Mitch Hedberg Quotations

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'

My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!

Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.

There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!

I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.

I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'

My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-a** quiz, where he reveals the answer first.

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.

I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.

I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorry, We're Closed". You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say "Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sh*t you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil - and the devil was dill.

I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?

Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.

I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is

I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'

Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had $3000 in my front pocket. That was a bad situation, because then I start to buy ridulous sh**. Like, I bought a snake-bite emergency repair kit. Then I said to my friends, 'Don't even worry about snakes anymore.' Then my friend stepped on a worm, I said, 'Lay down.' Snake bite emergency repair kit... is a body bag.

Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them.

I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" and i said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.