Greg Behrendt Quotations | Page 2

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.

It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.

Well, I knew instantly when I met my wife what a good relationship it was, compared with what I had been doing for the previous 20-odd years. She is my buddy, my partner, my friend. And part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

Don't waste the pretty

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

I'm fascinated with human relationships. I advocate the relationship you have with yourself.

Uncool is a cool resting place. The pressure's off me.

Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.

Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.

Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

Turning a breakup into a break-over ... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.

Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people... Because they'll let you down.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would...