Rodney Dangerfield Sex Quotations

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.