Rodney Dangerfield Humor Quotations

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.