Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotations

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.