Mitch Hedberg Want Quotations

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shi*, I had to be somewhere..."

When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.