Mitch Hedberg Funny Quotations

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.