W. C. Fields Alcohol Quotations

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.