Phyllis Diller Husband Quotations

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.