Phyllis Diller Funny Quotations

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.