Phyllis Diller Mother Quotations

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

All mothers are working mothers.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.