Humorous Quotations | Page 4

Luckily, I'm not a stand-up comedian, so I don't get the fear of standing on stage in front of a dead audience: my humorous pieces have to make it past an editor before they get exposed to the public.

She was so completely herself. That was the woman Green knew and the woman the family knew. I wish I knew that woman. She seems glowing and humorous and down to earth.

She's got a great sense of humor. And, she's got a great sense of pride. She always wants to do for herself. Here she is, 100 years old, and she's still doing for herself.

The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.

Throughout most of my life, I raised tobacco. I want you to know that my own hands, all of my life, I put in the plant beds and transferred it! I hoed it! I've dug in it! I've sprayed it! I've chopped it! I've shredded it, spiked it, put it in the barn and stripped it and sold it!

It seems an easy choice - sacrifice the tree for a human life - until one learns that three trees must be destroyed for each patient treated. Suddenly we must confront some tough questions. How important are the medical needs of future generations?

Feb. 9, 1999 Dear Friend, Without your previous support, Bill Clinton and I would not have won our victories for the American people in 1992 and 1996. ... And to win in 2000, I need you by my side.

Vote early and vote often.

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands

I'm very physical. I'm extremely active, and I would love to do something a little more sexy and dangerous, a la Sophia Loren, or funny and humorous, a la Woody Allen. Getting to do things along those lines would be extremely wicked and a dream come true.

The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.

PL/1, the fatal disease, belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set.

The only thing that matters to me about my stories is that they're entertaining and they're funny. And I tend to get bored easily, so I generally throw something supernatural in. I would say they're humorous novels that have a supernatural bent, but that's as close as you're going to get to fitting them all in the same basket.

KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for ""bliss."" It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.

Kevin will be missed. He was the guy that always kept things light and humorous and funny. Baltimore is getting a pretty good hitter and a great teammate, a guy that makes things fun.

I would say that she was an intelligent woman who had a great personality and a great sense of humor. She was an outstanding nurse when she was still practicing. She adored her nieces and nephews.

Jamaal is real a humorous and entertaining guy.

Fred has an impish sort of humor, but sort of a dry humor.

I am drawn to humorous art that is ironic.

If worry were an effective weight-loss program, women would be invisible.

I always want to laugh at the sad stuff. You don't need to laugh at the other stuff. I'm not numb to these things. I still go into really dark periods about Sept. 11. I think it's kind of like bullies. Bullies are just scared and thin-skinned, so they have to become bullies as a kind of survival tactic. I think comics are that way, too.

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of mans superiority to all that befalls him.

Humor is, I think, the sublets and chanciest of literary forms. It is surely not accidental that there are a thousand novelists, essayists, poets or journalists for each humorist. It is a long, long time between James Thurbers

Humor is my mechanism for dealing with the hard reality of the world.

Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public.

He was a good friend, maintaining his sense of humor and proportion throughout the difficult period that marked his most recent service,

He was a good guy. He was very good at what he did. He had a good sense of humor.

He was a larger-than-life figure, with a wicked sense of humor, and a great friend.

He was energetic and a little spunky. He had a sense of humor.

He could dish it out like nobody, but he could take it too. He had that sarcastic sense of humor. When you first become his teammate, you see some things and wonder, 'Is he serious or is he joking?' He was always joking.

I always say, 'Thank goodness 'Wimpy Kid' was a comedy because my singing in that was more humorous than professional.'

He has a great sense of humor -- but it's in his assembly. It's really his craftsmanship that people overlook. It's not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.

He had problems remembering names. There was a lot of humor about that at his funeral.

He was very bright and talented. What he did was learn his craft well. As he said, you can't be stupid and get eight gold records in the music market. ... He studied what he needed to do as a legislator. But he also had wonderful timing, and he was just naturally a humorous person, and when you combine that and the timing he learned from the entertainment industry, he was just a knockout.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is

Historically, they've demonstrated a shocking lack of humor for people in such an absurd industry.

When he did his monologues, it was always about the public and what was happening, right up before airtime, ... Hope and Humor.

His sense of humor, it really wears on you. He keeps the locker room extremely loose.

He's by Distorted Humor, and we always want to support our own stallions.

He does have, underneath a sort of serious exterior, a really wonderful sense of humor, ... It rarely shows itself in the trial lawyer mode, but it certainly does in personal relationships.

He had a great sense of humor. He partied a lot and was a hard worker.

He is just a gem of a guy. A fabulous sense of humor.

We try to put humorous stuff in there. We try to reflect our personalities in the music and lyrics, and we're just weird, goofy guys. We don't want to give off that overly dark vibe. We want to get away from that and make it kind of fun. Our lyrics are very tongue in cheek and sarcastic and not overly serious.

He fought it with humor. He always used humor to deflect it off him.

He had a good sense of humor. He called himself 'El Magnifico,' ... He was a good colleague and just a nice guy.

Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy.

Mark has great taste and great humor. I'm personally thrilled.

Steven has a humorous side to him that you wouldn't expect. I see more of it this season. Life is more normal for him in some ways. He's opening up slowly.

Our research has shown that we were on target with the 21-to-27-year-old beer drinker through our message and approach in delivering humorous ads with an unexpected twist.

Organizing an office can be overwhelming -- this spot uses humor to illustrate how Staples can be your Easy Button for creating order out of chaos.

I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey-- ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're-- (Pow!)-- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one--we lost Billy?

I saw Sharp Humor break sharp so I just followed him.

Managing to have a sense of humor makes it a lot easier to manage people

I think this is a legislative sense of humor the rest of us don't appreciate.

Laugh at yourself once in a while; give yourself a break.

I think (humor) just kind of comes to me naturally. It just seems like kind of the way I like to do it. I kind of get a kick out of it sometimes, and I figure I have to be the first one to get a kick out of it. Then if everybody else does then that's OK too.

It is not funny or humorous or like a Disney film. It is not a Herbie or a Cinderella Story.

I think it's pretty funny calling the big guy in. I know he does a lot of things out of humor. He doesn't mean anything by it. I'm taking it with a smile.

I think you'll probably see not only his erudition, but his sense of humor.

It both included things from the studio and the real world of the studio right into the realm of pictorial creations. And that step -- even though it sounds simple and looks very humorous and benign -- it was so radical at the time that it forever changed the history of 20th century art.

Wilmer is wired into our audience. His humor, style and approachable personality make this a great fit for MTV,

Merrick had a sense of humor and could joke about his condition.

That's the staggering, humorous thing about money. If you haven't got taste, money doesn't matter: You'll always look ghastly.

I was a Teletype operator in the army, so that's where I learned to type. One day, I went downstairs to see if I could still type - I hadn't done it for four or five years after the war. So I typed out a page and I showed it to my wife and she said, "Where did you get this?" I said I wrote it. "You wrote this?" It was something very funny. I went and wrote another page, another couple of pages, and by the time I was finished I had 13 little short stories, humorous short stories.

We use humor and metaphors to break through the clutter. We strive for intelligent/clever humor, with hopes of generating more than a chuckle.

The only way I can make a Jim Carrey face is through Novocain at the dentists office.

We tried to approach the whole thing with a bit of humor. We need to be able to laugh at ourselves.

Gimme a pigfoot and a bottle of beer.

We did petition the IHSAA to allow us to play with a sixth man on the floor so we could get equal numbers in terms of total inches and weight, but it was denied.

I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his

Well, I'm a bacteriologist, you know. I live in a nine-hundred-diameter microscope. I can hardly claim to take serious notice of anything that I can see with my naked eye.

The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.

This looks like one of those unwelcome social summonses which call upon a man either to be bored or to lie.

I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety.

I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere, so we will patiently grope round for it.

An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .

My uncle, Mr. Stephen Maple, had been at the same time the most successful and the least respectable of our family, so that we hardly knew whether to take credit for his wealth or to feel ashamed of his position.

A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood.

Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.

Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me.

The humorous man recognizes that absolute purity, absolute justice, absolute logic and perfection are beyond human achievement and that men have been able to live happily for thousands of years in a state of genial frailty.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly.

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

You cant be a casual observer of something humorous - you have to engage, you have to find it funny for the relationship between actor and audience to work.

How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

I rant, therefore I am

And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. You remember the woman at Margate whom I suspected for the same reason. No powder on her nose - that proved to be the correct solution. How can you build on such a quicksand? Their most trivial action may mean volumes, or their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin or a curling tongs.

We had got as far as this, when who should walk in but the gentleman himself, who had been drinking his beer in the taproom and had heard the whole conversation. Who was I? What did I want? What did I mean by asking questions? He had a fine flow of language, and his adjectives were very vigorous.

Exactly. She does not shine as a wife even in her own account of what occurred. I am not a whole-souled admirer of womankind, as you are aware, Watson, but my experience of life has taught me that there are few wives having any regard for their husbands who would let any man's spoken word stand between them and that husband's dead body. Should I ever marry, Watson, I should hope to inspire my wife with some feeling which would prevent her from being walked off by a housekeeper when my corpse was lying within a few yards of her.

Living, as I do, in an educated and scientific atmosphere, I could not have conceived that the first principles of zoology were so little known. Is it possible that you do not know the elementary fact in comparative anatomy, that the wing of a bird is really the forearm, while the wing of a bat consists of three elongated fingers with membranes between?

I think you want a little unofficial help. Three undetected murders in one year won't do, Lestrade. But you handled the Molesey Mystery with less than your usual - that's to say, you handled it fairly well.

One dumb-bell, Watson! Consider an athlete with one dumb-bell. Picture to yourself the unilateral development - the imminent danger of a spinal curvature. Shocking, Watson, shocking!

There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus!