Witty Quotations

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

I never said most of the things I said.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. Alice Roosevelt Longworth Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Government 'help' to business is just as disastrous as government persecution... the only way a government can be of service to national prosperity is by keeping its hands off.

No man is good enough to govern another man without the other's consent.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Give me a museum and I'll fill it.

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

When you realize the value of all life, you dwell less on what is past and concentrate more on the preservation of the future.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string.

It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

A large nose is in fact the sign of an affable man, good, courteous, witty, liberal, courageous, such as I am.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I think Irish women are strong as horses, incredibly loyal and for the most part, funny, witty, bright and optimistic in the face of devastating reality.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness.

I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I am attracted to intelligence, a witty sense of humor, an adventurous outlook on life and spiritual awareness about one's self and the world.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

You are wise, witty and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of stuff.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty.

A witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room

I'm hopefully touring with Colin Baker next year in Perfect Strangers. I have performed with Sylvia Simms in poetry and music evenings. I would love to do those for the rest of my career - they are so fun and witty.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

A Hospital is no place to be sick.

Let us never forget that government is ourselves and not an alien power over us. The ultimate rulers of our democracy are not a President and senators and congressmen and government officials, but the voters of this country.

Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

I've worked a lot with Noah Baumbach, and he doesn't make it easy to like his characters, but the stories are funny and witty and there's an edge to that kind of humanity.

The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man.

I feel like there's an obsession with pace right now in theater, with things being very fast and very witty and very loud, and I think we're all so freaked out about theater keeping audiences interested because everybody's so freaked out about theater becoming irrelevant.

Every two years the American politics industry fills the airwaves with the most virulent, scurrilous, wall-to-wall character assassination of nearly every political practitioner in the country - and then declares itself puzzled that America has lost trust in its politicians.

My senior year of high school, I was voted 'Wittiest.' So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

A politician thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.

John F. Kennedy brought style and charisma to the White House and a first family that captivated the country: a handsome, witty president, an elegant first lady, and two adorable young children.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Though lust do masque in ne'er so strange disguise she's oft found witty, but is never wise.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life - so that if it were over tomorrow, you'd be content with yourself.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.