Groucho Marx Humorous Quotations

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

All geniuses die young.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Any place I hang my head is home.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Do you mind if I don't smoke?