Chris Rock Humor Quotations

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America ... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

Not a Harvard-type education, ... Just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check ... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!