Steven Wright Humor Quotations

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

How young can you die of old age?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

What a nice night for an evening.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."