Rita Rudner Humor Quotations

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."