David Cross Humor Quotations

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.