Sarcastic Quotations

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I find myself to be quite sarcastic, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't get that.

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

I'm stingy and I'm proud of the reputation.

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up.

History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.

My brothers are both 6 ft. 5 in., and if you have younger brothers who are bigger than you then you have to learn the ancient martial art of sarcasm.

My dream part would be to play Mitt Romney's sarcastic black maid. We could call it 'Mammy & Me.'

Avoid sarcasm. Don't insist on the last word.

I'm pretty sarcastic, and sometimes that doesn't come across on the Internet. It seems I'm being rude or stupid.

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.

I'm very bubbly, so when people meet me, they sometimes think I'm fake. I'm excited to meet new people, but I guess I sound I'm being sarcastic.

What I claim is to live to the full the contradiction of my time, which may well make sarcasm the condition of truth.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry.

Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

As women slowly gain power, their values and priorities are reshaping the agenda. A multitude of studies show that when women control the family funds, they generally spend more on health, nutrition, and education - and less on alcohol and cigarettes.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I suppose there are a lot of reasons to be jaded or sarcastic or bitter in life, but I hang on to the reasons why life is beautiful.

My father was a very unhappy person, very sarcastic, and my mother was very nervous and worried about what people thought. They weren't monsters, but it wasn't a good childhood.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

In my deepest parts of sadness, I'm always making a joke or being sarcastic.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical.

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

You had to learn at a certain age what sarcasm is, you know?

My natural-born sarcasm, when it's unimpeded, can be a bit overbearing at times and I'm the first to admit that.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My mom was sarcastic about men. She would tell me Adam was the rough draft and Eve was the final product. She was a feminist minister, an earth mom who wore a bra only on Sundays.

I hope I never get so old I get religious.

I've learned that I need to spell out, even in cases seemingly so blatant, that in fact I am not taking this at face value and am being 'sarcastic.

I am sarcastic and dry, but I also have a pretty huge zest for life.

A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

She's been on more laps than a napkin.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

It's fun to be sarcastic, but now I'm able to express myself in a way that's much more sincere.

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

You slam a politician, you make out he's the devil, with horns and hoofs. But his wife loves him, and so did all his mistresses.

His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

This music won't do. There's not enough sarcasm in it.

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.

America makes prodigious mistakes, America has colossal faults, but one thing cannot be denied: America is always on the move. She may be going to Hell, of course, but at least she isn't standing still.

A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.

Oscar Wilde always makes me smile - with respect and admiration. His short stories prove that it is possible to be both sarcastic, even cynical, but deeply compassionate. Just seeing the cover of one of Wildes books in a bookshop makes me smile.

He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

The clear problem of the outlawing of insult is that too many things can be interpreted as such. Criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, merely stating an alternative point of view to the orthodoxy, can be interpreted as insult.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Sometimes I used to think to myself, 'Have I lost a sense of humor?' but I don't think that I have. I think one can be as snarky and sarcastic as lots of people, but I have never found that it makes me particularly happy.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

When I first started writing, I was living in England and I had that uniquely English sense of sarcasm, which has definitely seemed to have left me. I am a naturalized American and my sensibility has become far more American.

The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.

Nature, not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.

She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent.

Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.