Bill Hicks Quotations

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.

Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve...

The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both!

I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'

It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones.

No one can give you any answers. There aren't any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery.

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.

But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It's gonna be worth it!.

They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure ... At least he f-kin' jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the f-kin' Block ... I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.

My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked.

I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor – even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero – that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun…

I was always 'awake'...Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.

So, it's good to be here, wherever I am.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

not all drugs are good.. some of them are great

Rock stars against drugs--that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now!

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, I did it! Hey!

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

Go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Go back to bed America... you are free to do as we tell you... you are free to do as we tell you...

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference.

No one knows what it's like … to be a dustbin … in Shaftesbury … with hooligans …

The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.

I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them. And Eve said, Yeah... it's just not enough is it?

I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it.

I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.

People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'

That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.

We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years.

You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America.

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like... every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well...we looked at the receipts."

What before seemed a...frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.

All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'

I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'...

Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But--there's no connection...

The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas.

It's all about money, not freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without money, okay?

Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

While I've found many of the religious shows I've viewed over the years not to be to my liking, or in line with my own beliefs, I've never considered it my place to exert any greater type of censorship than changing the channel, or better yet - turning off the TV completely.

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?

How do I know the Bible isn't the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand...considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE!

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?

Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.

...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all.

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too.

If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.

I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.

What are you reading for?

Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.

It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.